


To Memory Now I Can't Recall

by 27dragons



Series: imaginetonyandbucky fills [12]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-08 14:16:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11648250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/27dragons/pseuds/27dragons
Summary: Steve cracked an eyelid – the one that wasn’t surrounded by a mass of bruises and stitched shut around the orbital rim. “Nice to see you too, Tony.”“You don’t call, you don’t write,” Tony complained. “Bruce and I, we’re hurt, you didn’t invite us to the party.”Steve tried to laugh and it turned into a weak cough. “C’mon, Tony, you know I’m not gonna call the heavy hitters for the little stuff.”“The little stuff, like our purported leadership being riddled with Hydra?” Tony challenged. “Or stuff like their number one assassin being your old right hand man?”





	To Memory Now I Can't Recall

**Author's Note:**

> A fill for the [imaginetonyandbucky](http://imaginetonyandbucky.tumblr.com) blog for the anonymous prompt, "Imagine JARVIS never stops hacking into SHIELD files after Avengers first movie (Obie taught him a lesson and he wanted to protect Sir after the nuke was sent out) and of course after a while discovers Hydra, the files of the Winter Soldier and of course the mission report of December 16, 1991. Tony has time to come to terms with the fact, therefore searches for Bucky, destroying Hydra on the way, gets rid of the mind control (BARF) and later they fall in love."

_February, 2014_

“Wake up, Daddy’s home.” The lights in the workshop flickered to life, but it seemed empty without DUM-E and U coming to greet him.

“Good evening, sir,” JARVIS said. “And may I say what a relief it is to have you home. Again.”

“Thanks, Jay,” Tony said. He dropped into the workstation chair and rubbed absently at his chest. It was strange, not to have the arc reactor anymore. Helen – you could call your doctor by their given name once they’d _literally_ had your heart in their hands, right? – Helen had done an amazing job with the reconstructive surgery.

“Shall I contact the usual suppliers to see about having the Malibu house rebuilt?” JARVIS asked.

Tony considered it. It would take months to rebuild the place, while the repairs and upgrades to Stark Tower had been completed months ago. Bruce was already here; Tony might as well just move back to New York, finally get around to issuing invitations to the rest of the Avengers. “Not yet,” he said. “Arrange to have the brats recovered and I’ll drive out and bring ‘em back here.”

“Very good, sir,” JARVIS said. “If you have no urgent business, I’ve uncovered some information that you might wish to review.” A display screen came to life and began spitting up windows of information.

Tony frowned. “What am I looking at?”

“While you were in recovery, sir, I took it upon myself to do some digging. Surmising that you would wish to know why SHIELD was not already in control of the Mandarin situation, I re-activated the backdoor code we inserted into their mainframes.”

“These files are way older than that,” Tony said, flicking through them. “These go back _decades_.”

“Yes, sir,” JARVIS said delicately. “It appears that SHIELD may be compromised. I do urge you to particularly review the files that I’ve flagged for your attention. And, sir… I’m sorry.”

***

_March, 2014_

“What the hell, Rogers,” Tony demanded, before he’d even pushed all the way through the hospital room door. Steve’s new guy, Wilson, bolted upright in the terrible visitor’s chair. Good reflexes. The instant Wilson realized who Tony was, his eyes went big and round. Fast on the uptake, too.

“You, I like you,” Tony said, clapping Wilson on the shoulder. “Come to New York soon, we’ll get you some new wings.” He turned back to the bed. Christ, but Cap was a mess. “I repeat, Rogers: what. The actual. Hell.”

Steve cracked an eyelid – the one that wasn’t surrounded by a mass of bruises and stitched shut around the orbital rim. “Nice to see you too, Tony.”

“You don’t call, you don’t write,” Tony complained. “Bruce and I, we’re hurt, you didn’t invite us to the party.”

Steve tried to laugh and it turned into a weak cough. “C’mon, Tony, you know I’m not gonna call the heavy hitters for the little stuff.”

“The little stuff, like our purported leadership being riddled with Hydra?” Tony challenged. “Or stuff like their number one assassin being your old right hand man?”

The humor fell off Steve’s face in a hurry. “You _knew_?”

“Only for a couple of weeks,” Tony said. “JARVIS was vacationing in SHIELD’s systems and stumbled across some red flags. I tipped Fury off that something was rotten and he asked me to keep it under my hat while he set up a sting. That bastard plays things so close to the chest that his own ribs can’t see the cards.”

“You knew about Bucky,” Steve said, sounding even more breathless.

“Yeah, well, it took me a while to figure out what to do about that, so you’ll have to excuse me for not texting you right away with my review of the _video footage of him murdering my parents_ ,” Tony snapped.

Steve went even paler than he already was. “He– Shit, Tony, I’m sorry. Zola told me Hydra had them killed, but I didn’t realize they’d used Bucky to do it.”

“So it looks like we’re both guilty of holding back information,” Tony said. “Were you going to tell me?”

Steve’s mouth tightened. “I’ve been a little busy, the last few days,” he said. “Hadn’t quite worked it all through yet.”

“Well, you’re _you_ ,” Tony said, more lightly than he felt. “I’m sure you’d have decided to do what was right.” He glanced at Wilson, then looked back at Steve. “Romanov says you’re planning to go after him.”

“Of course I am,” Steve said, because of course he was. “Tony, it… it wasn’t _him_. You know that, right?”

Tony had to close his eyes. “Yeah,” he sighed. “If I’d had him in front of me right after I found out, I don’t know what I would’ve done, but… Once I calmed down and thought it through, I knew. Dad _recognized_ him, and he didn’t even–” Tony had to stop, to swallow around a tight throat.

Steve looked grim. “I’m so sorry, Tony. I really am.”

“Yeah,” Tony managed. “We’re going to make those assholes pay, though.”

“Damn right we will,” Steve agreed. “For your parents _and_ for Bucky. And undo whatever they put in his head.”

“Well, I’ve got some thoughts about that,” Tony said. “A little something Bruce and I have been cooking up together. You work on finding your boy, and I’ll see what we can do about bringing him back.”

***

_July 2015_

“It’s called Binarily Augmented Retrofit Framing,” Tony said. “BARF for short, and don’t say it – we’re working on a new acronym.”

At the other end of the table, flanked by Steve and Sam, Bucky Barnes stared at his hands where they were clasped in front of him. “Hydra had a device, too,” he said, almost too quiet for Tony to hear. He swallowed, licked his lips, swallowed again. “It… hurt.”

“Yeah, I’ve seen the specs,” Tony said. “They were literally burning out chunks of your brain. The initial concept for BARF was trauma recovery – specifically, I was going to use it on _myself_ , and I am very attached to _all_ the parts of my brain, so while it’s not exactly a skip through the park, it’s not going to cause any _physical_ damage. The way this works…” Tony considered ways to explain how the memory retrofit worked. None of the men at the other end of the table were lacking in intelligence, but they weren’t geniuses, either. “You ever been in an argument, and then hours later, thought of the perfect thing to say, too late to actually say it? And you keep replaying that conversation over and over in your head, wishing you’d thought of it at the right moment, to the point where sometimes that replay is a stronger memory than the actual event? This is like that, but a hundred times stronger and faster. It can’t change what’s happened, obviously, but it can adjust your _response_ to it, let you rebuild the lesson that you took away from it.”

“And it will fix me?” Barnes said, intent. “It will take these landmines out of my head?”

“I believe so,” Tony said. “You’re a special case, so we won’t know for certain until we give it a shot, but I feel pretty confident about it.”

Barnes worried at his lip with his teeth.

“You don’t have to do this,” Steve said, earnest and sorrowful. “You’ll have to witness the worst of the things they did to you. I can’t imagine how unpleasant that would be. We can find another way.”

“While I just while away my days in the Hulk Room?” Barnes said, not quite sharp. “Maybe it _should_ be unpleasant. Maybe that would be the smallest amount of justice for the lives I took.”

“Buck,” Steve said. Tony could hear the crack in his voice from across the room. “That wasn’t you. I keep telling you–”

“It was my hands,” Barnes said. He turned his hands over, as if searching for evidence of the blood they’d spilled. “I did it. Maybe I didn’t make that choice. But I did it anyway.” He looked up at Tony, and it wasn’t until that moment Tony realized, with a start, that it was the first time Barnes had met Tony’s eyes since Steve had brought him to the Tower.

Barnes had pale blue eyes, almost the color of silver, and that gaze was steady. “I’ll do it. Set it up.”

***

They set it up in the Hulk Room, in case Barnes was triggered. No one else would be able to see what he saw, Tony promised. Tony had done a projection for the presentation at MIT, but that wasn’t a necessary component of the system. And Tony figured, some things a man wanted to keep private.

On the other side of the glass, all Tony would be able to see were vitals and brainwave patterns, adrenaline levels and involuntary muscle responses. Because Steve was hovering like a nervous new parent, Tony went through a session himself to show them what it looked like from the outside, with Bruce at the monitoring station.

He took himself through the wormhole again, made himself stare up into the black space and count the alien ships in their thousands. _I will survive this_ , he told them, _and we_ will _defeat you._

Tony lasted about five minutes in that memory, and came back to himself panting and dizzy, and outside the heavy glass of the Hulk Room, Bruce looked resigned and Sam looked worried and Steve looked grave. And Barnes…

Barnes was pale as a sheet, but his jaw was set and his eyes were locked on Tony’s face. When their eyes met, he nodded, once grim.

Barnes was in the first memory for all of about ninety seconds when he ripped off the goggles and fell to his knees, retching.

“Bucky!” Steve yelled, banging on the glass. “Bucky, what happened? Are you okay?”

“Oh god,” Barnes gasped. “It’s so fuckin’ _real_ …” He rocked back onto his heels and flapped a hand at Steve. “Stop that, Rogers, you’re makin’ it worse.” He took a few deep breaths, then looked straight at Tony, ignoring the way Steve was practically pressed against the wall. “Let’s get this cleaned up, and get me a bucket or something for the next run.”

***

_March 2016_

Bucky was waiting for Tony outside the Hulk Room, just like always, leaning against the wall with his hands stuffed in his pockets. “Mornin’ dollface,” he said without looking up. “Ready to dance?”

The flirting had started a couple of months ago. Progress was slow, with frequent setbacks, and the situation needed a little humor from time to time. Tony could only helplessly admire his determination and drive.

“Why Sergeant Barnes,” Tony gasped, firing up the monitoring equipment one-handed, “are you getting fresh with me?”

Bucky gave him a wide-eyed look. “I wouldn’t dare try it, not with you bein’ so far outta my league,” he said. “All I want’s a dance or two.”

“You say that now,” Tony said. “But I know what you’re really after.” He tapped the last code in and the pneumatic seal on the Hulk Room’s door released with a hiss.

Bucky flinched – his work with the BARF hadn’t stopped him from developing _new_ pavlovian responses, and that sound was guaranteed to make him pale and queasy. It didn’t stop him, though, not in the slightest. He scooped up the goggles and headpiece and stepped through the door without any hesitation.

As the door swung slowly shut, Bucky slipped on the headpiece, adjusting its position with the ease of long practice, and covered his pretty eyes with the VR goggles. “Maybe this time,” he said, so quietly that Tony wasn’t sure he was hearing it right, “I’ll make you proud enough to say yes.”

***

_May 2017_

Bucky had gone pale when they’d walked into the room with the scanner, so much blood draining away from his face that his lips had taken on a blueish tint, and his hand had trembled in Tony’s grip. But he didn’t hesitate, even for an instant. He climbed into the chair and very deliberately curled his hands over the ends of the armrests, his eyes locked on Tony as he licked his lips.

“Are you certain you wish to remain?” T’challa asked. “If he is not fully recovered, you will be in great danger.”

Tony looked away from Bucky only for an instant, to let T’challa see the determination in his eyes, and then shifted his gaze back to Bucky. “I’ve been putting my life in the hands of my tech for more than a decade,” he said firmly. “He’s clean. This is only a formality.”

T’challa wanted to argue; Tony could feel it hanging in the air. Tony was ready to tell him where to stick it – Steve hadn’t been permitted to attend this review, and it was only after some rather frantic negotiation that the U.N. had agreed to let Tony come along for Bucky’s moral support.

Finally, T’challa bowed his head, accepting. “Very well,” he agreed, and turned to the Wakandan neuroscientist and the team of experts assigned by the U.N. who would be verifying Bucky’s mental state. “You may begin.”

A computer technician approached and Bucky closed his eyes tightly. “Try to relax,” the neuroscientist said, a heavy Wakandan accent lending music to the syllables. “The process should be painless, but a thorough mapping will take some time.” She used a vividly blue gel to attach several electrodes to Bucky’s face and neck, and spoke to the technician in Wakandan, which Tony didn’t speak, but based on the way the screens on the computer bank flickered to life and began displaying graphs and numbers, they were going through a startup sequence.

“Mr. Barnes,” she said after a moment, “we will present a number of images to you, some still, some short scenes. The complete collection of possible images is quite large; no one will know precisely which images you see, though there is an algorithm that ensures certain categories are among those chosen. I – and the analysts – will see only your measured responses, as compared to the range of responses for that image already acquired. You need do nothing but allow the images to appear; your subconscious response will be measured almost instantaneously. Do you understand the procedure, Mr. Barnes?”

Bucky nodded without opening his eyes.

“Do you consent to the procedure?” she asked.

“It’s why we came all this way,” he said, voice husky. “Might ‘s well.”

The scientist looked tolerably amused, but pressed, “I must have a clear affirmative before we begin, Mr. Barnes.”

Bucky huffed. “Yes,” he said. “I consent.”

“Thank you.” She nodded at them both. “I will be watching from the observation room,” she told them. “If you need to call a halt, you need only say so.” She left the room, very carefully closing the door behind her.

When the heavy bolts shot home, sealing them in, Bucky’s eyes flew open. “They didn’t strap me down,” he said.

“No need,” Tony said lightly. “You’re going to be fine.”

“I’m scared,” Bucky admitted in a whisper.

Tony took Bucky’s hand in his own. “I’ll be right here the whole time,” he promised.

Bucky started to answer, but then frowned slightly, his eyes going unfocused. It had begun.

Unable to see the images that Bucky was getting, his outward responses were somewhat mystifying to Tony. His breathing and heart rate sped and slowed, his pupils dilated and contracted, muscles all over his body twitched. He smiled, he frowned, he grimaced. His skin flushed and then faded. Once he choked out, “No!” Some time later, he whispered, “Please,” but he sounded… happy?

“Are they showing you porn in there?” Tony teased.

Bucky cocked his head, eyes flicking around in sightless confusion. It faded again after a moment, and Tony kept his mouth shut after that.

The complete process took _hours_ , but Bucky never asked for a break, and perforce, neither did Tony. By the time it was done, Bucky was soaked with sweat and shaking like a leaf. The scanning equipment powered down, and Bucky’s eyes slowly focused on Tony. “They done?” he asked, his voice a hoarse rasp.

“Think so,” Tony said. “You okay?”

“Hell, no,” Bucky said. “That was… that was rough.”

“Yeah,” Tony agreed. “But you did great.”

“We’ll see, I guess.” Bucky didn’t look too confident.

Tony glanced toward the door – it would be just like those petty U.N. officials to draw out their deliberation just because they _could_ , making Bucky sweat out of a sense of power. “Hey, after they cut us loose,” Tony said, trying for distraction, “how about dinner? Wakandan cuisine is really something, and it’s hard to come by if you’re not actually in Wakanda.”

“You askin’ for a date, gorgeous?” Bucky managed a wan smile.

“Well, if you don’t have a more pressing engagement,” Tony said, lifting his eyebrows, “yes.”

Bucky’s eyes went round. “Wait, really?”

Tony held out his hand, palm up, offering. Slowly, Bucky took it, and Tony closed his fingers around Bucky’s, smiling. “For the record, because I didn’t think you’d believe me until this was all settled, I’ve been proud of you since the first time you said you’d try it. And I’ve wanted to take you out for _months_.”

The light and wonder in Bucky’s eyes was worth all the heartache and work it had taken to get to this moment, Tony thought. “I never thought,” Bucky whispered, “never thought I’d–”

The door opened to reveal T’challa, the doctor and the U.N. committee head behind him. He met Tony’s eyes, then Bucky’s. Slow, like a sleepy cat, he smiled.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hello to me on tumblr, where I write for [imaginetonyandbucky](http://imaginetonyandbucky.tumblr.com) and am also [27dragons](http://27dragons.tumblr.com)!


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